Random Thoughts of the Insane
My eyes are burning. My chest hurts. I have recurrent dreams alluding to my anxiety filled days. I hear voices in my head (their names are Sam and Dave). I overeat or don't eat at all. I don't complete the tasks on my to do lists. I feel hyper at night, and tired during the day. I am broke, but I spend like a millionaire. I want to run away, be irresponsible, live off the land, live off somebody else, be a slacker, watch television all day, sleep on someone's couch, have a breakdown, fight, fall into sheer madness and find true sanity in it all.
With ashy hands and dry lips I am setting off on this journey. I am very afraid of failure, but more afraid of success. I cut my toenails last night. I didn't want anything between my feet and the ground. I set a recurrent alarm on my phone, starting a patterned life, scared to do anything else. I feel as if I am slipping into a danger zone. The danger being insanity, or worse falling into a mundane life.
As I am still free-falling, I will welcome the strange colors of insanity to avoid the dull gray of accepting someone else's version of reality. For now, I recognize that my version needs to be more vivid in order for me to create the spaces I need to create.
It is 4AM on December 1, 2005. Including today, I have 31 days to complete my preparations for an incredible 2006. I will trust that the universe will provide everything I need to complete what feels like a monstrous task. Pray for me...
With ashy hands and dry lips I am setting off on this journey. I am very afraid of failure, but more afraid of success. I cut my toenails last night. I didn't want anything between my feet and the ground. I set a recurrent alarm on my phone, starting a patterned life, scared to do anything else. I feel as if I am slipping into a danger zone. The danger being insanity, or worse falling into a mundane life.
As I am still free-falling, I will welcome the strange colors of insanity to avoid the dull gray of accepting someone else's version of reality. For now, I recognize that my version needs to be more vivid in order for me to create the spaces I need to create.
It is 4AM on December 1, 2005. Including today, I have 31 days to complete my preparations for an incredible 2006. I will trust that the universe will provide everything I need to complete what feels like a monstrous task. Pray for me...
posted by GeminiMoonPoet at 12/01/2005 04:47:00 AM
5 Comments:
yeah i feel you- anxiety is fuckin with my head too-can't sleep at night. went to bed at 4:30 am. I got papers due and havn't started them. Yet i have plenty time to do everything i dont need to be doing. I think im tryingto distract myslef from reality.
So not that this is helping you in the least.again i wish i could tell you something that might make it better but im trying to figure it out myself. The best thing that helped me was going to alabama- with someone i barely knew to a place ive never been with people i didn't know. Being in that space remeinded me of who i am and helped me get away from the everything else in my life. There was food and peace and a beautiful sky to remind me what God looked like.
When you get through- take a vacation if u can- maybe that might help..
-alii
Big cyber hugs to you Jocelyn,
Ali gave great advice up there.(reaches up-hugs and daps Ali) But I’d like to bring some cosmic confusion your way and look the the stars, moon, and sun. You’re 25 and you’ve just started your Saturn Return. If you don’t know much about it, google it. Chaos, confusion, uncertainty…ad nauseum…yep, sounds like you are right on track.
You’re in my thoughts. Sending love your way. I wish I could say more. Oh wait, make sure you take care of your 501c forms early for your np deal. And change something (even it's only one thing,so you won't repeat old habits and move forward. And challenge yourself. u can do it
see it's 3:54 am and i am still kickin (*singing...., daydreaming, packing--don't know where i am going..i have to wake up at 6 BTW....hmmmm, my eyes hurt now...good nyt (i think)
(i think there is a magic silver string between us. something connecting our spirits in a way that we haven't yet discovered. i know this is true and you my dear are all that i know you to be. you are exactly where you are supposed to be.)
and so we ride this wave, having no earthly idea where we're going, completely confident that it is unfolding in divine order, on time and for a reason.
and then i remember that phone conversation, the one that we had at the beginning of our solo friendship, the one where you were counseling a sister who needed community and support and love and her hand held. (it was the post-end of the jazmine experience (but i was still there)and the end of the other one). and i said to you,
"what we need is to be vulnerable, to let go of all the pieces, to show up in community for someone to hold our hands and tell us we're doing fine and that we're loved and special and wonderful. don't we all just need to let go and create community and trust for someone to be there for us?" (at least i think that's the jist of what i said.)
in other words, this is my long and relatively poetic way of saying, i feel you g.moongoddess. i am reflecting back to you what we know as our love and i am holding that space for you. if there never be words again, know that i feel you and cherish you and contain that space, even when we forget what it's like.
take your time.
bloom.
^^^beautifully written
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