I'm BAAAaaack!

Yesterday was my first full day back in the ATL. I spent the weekend in the mountains with my 'poo face' hiking to waterfalls, eating delicious food, meditating next to flowing water, and having difficult conversations about fear and compromise. It was an intense weekend, but I feel really good. I feel like I have gotten in touch with a part of myself that I often ignore because it forces me to be more vulnerable than I would like. I consciously fight everyday to not operate from a place of fear. However, I think I have been guilty of often ignoring my fears instead of working through them. Ignoring my fears about killer redneck klansmen, car crashing rocks, mauling grizzly bears, and psychotic mountain-dwelling axe murders, I went on my 'relaxing' trip into the North Georgia Mountains. I did not discuss these fears until Nde and I were alone in the Bed & Breakfast, and I started to have a panic attack. She helped me to use my imagination to pretend like all the things I need to make me feel safe were there, and it helped tremendously. Yet, it was not until the ride back that we really had difficult conversations about what my fears really are and I really had to face the facts.

I know that when I am scared, I attempt to fully control the situation. I write and rewrite directions, I ask and re-ask strangers for directions, I have to drive, I have to be in control. I need to know where I am going, how I am getting there, and I need to control all variables that would get me there. I become cold, withdrawn, and get tunnel vision. The problem is that I can never control everything, and by trying to, I am not facing my fears just pacifying them temporarily. I am coping, and I can't decide if I would prefer to stay in my safe zone forever, cope forever, or fight through my fears. Each option seems equally big and scary.