Darkness
Still scared, I want to move.
In my young adulthood (the past 2 years), I found a new self-confidence that I had never known in my life. It was a quiet confidence that would ease out of the deepest parts of me at an even steady flow. I didn't have to hype myself up, or be praised by someone else. It was just apart of the woman I started to grow into. I don't feel that steady flow anymore. These days my confidence is more like staccato than a fluid melody. There are huge crescendos that drop off to very low soft baritones. I recognize that self-doubt is the key to self-growth. If I never doubted my ideals, my way of living, my place in the world, then I would never have gotten to where I am today.
But I don't think my current inhabitance is so low and deep because of a little healthy self-doubt. I fear that I am depressed. My last battle with depression ended with me light-years ahead of the girl who fell into the darkness. I fear that the hole will be much deeper this time, which may result in more light-years of growth. I am just so scared of the darkness. I just finished "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince." In the midst of a very dark moment in the book, Angus Dumbledore turned to a very apprehensive Harry and said "It is the unknown we fear in death and darkness, and nothing more." I am most afraid of the darkness because I don't know where it will take me. What if I can not come out? What if I forget that constant, peaceful knowledge I carried around with me when self-confidence was as natural to me as breathing? What if this time, I don't make it?
In my young adulthood (the past 2 years), I found a new self-confidence that I had never known in my life. It was a quiet confidence that would ease out of the deepest parts of me at an even steady flow. I didn't have to hype myself up, or be praised by someone else. It was just apart of the woman I started to grow into. I don't feel that steady flow anymore. These days my confidence is more like staccato than a fluid melody. There are huge crescendos that drop off to very low soft baritones. I recognize that self-doubt is the key to self-growth. If I never doubted my ideals, my way of living, my place in the world, then I would never have gotten to where I am today.
But I don't think my current inhabitance is so low and deep because of a little healthy self-doubt. I fear that I am depressed. My last battle with depression ended with me light-years ahead of the girl who fell into the darkness. I fear that the hole will be much deeper this time, which may result in more light-years of growth. I am just so scared of the darkness. I just finished "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince." In the midst of a very dark moment in the book, Angus Dumbledore turned to a very apprehensive Harry and said "It is the unknown we fear in death and darkness, and nothing more." I am most afraid of the darkness because I don't know where it will take me. What if I can not come out? What if I forget that constant, peaceful knowledge I carried around with me when self-confidence was as natural to me as breathing? What if this time, I don't make it?
posted by GeminiMoonPoet at 7/27/2005 12:40:00 PM
4 Comments:
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as a brilliant and beautifully supportive witness on my journey through through darkness, i offer you my most humble and infinte gratitude. as someone who has now learned to dance with darkness and light concurrently, i whisper that it is only in the dance that we trutly learn what it means to surrender and grow.
i've recently learned the best kept secret: listen to the words you tell yourself about yourself when you're by yourself in the darkness. that conversation is what determines the depth and breadth of the space you're in. it also determines what treasures we find there.
knowing you are exactly where you are supposed to be to get exactly what you need. sending you comfort greater than you've ever known.
lovelight,
me
All I can tell you is know that the coolness of the dirt in the whole will making the burning tears a little easier to handle.
Hang in there girl
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