Random Thoughts of the Insane

My eyes are burning. My chest hurts. I have recurrent dreams alluding to my anxiety filled days. I hear voices in my head (their names are Sam and Dave). I overeat or don't eat at all. I don't complete the tasks on my to do lists. I feel hyper at night, and tired during the day. I am broke, but I spend like a millionaire. I want to run away, be irresponsible, live off the land, live off somebody else, be a slacker, watch television all day, sleep on someone's couch, have a breakdown, fight, fall into sheer madness and find true sanity in it all.

With ashy hands and dry lips I am setting off on this journey. I am very afraid of failure, but more afraid of success. I cut my toenails last night. I didn't want anything between my feet and the ground. I set a recurrent alarm on my phone, starting a patterned life, scared to do anything else. I feel as if I am slipping into a danger zone. The danger being insanity, or worse falling into a mundane life.

As I am still free-falling, I will welcome the strange colors of insanity to avoid the dull gray of accepting someone else's version of reality. For now, I recognize that my version needs to be more vivid in order for me to create the spaces I need to create.

It is 4AM on December 1, 2005. Including today, I have 31 days to complete my preparations for an incredible 2006. I will trust that the universe will provide everything I need to complete what feels like a monstrous task. Pray for me...