Another Birthday

My birthday was June 8. I wrote this poem in May of last year. This is the updated version.

Months speed by faster than normal
I can't remember my age
26 comes before
27 and after 25
I forget which I am now
Days speed past me
and I don't know if we just met
or if we were born at the same moment
conjoined at the hip
or if we were lovers in our past lives
or not
I have no idea if I am dreaming
or if I am really an adult
my reality
my future
my past
all seem to convene on solitary moments
Like you and me and coffee
and Reed's Extra Ginger Brew
and right now...

One recurrent conversation in my life is about the illusion of adulthood. Most days, I honostly feel like a 5 year old. Well...maybe a 7 year old. Yeah, I feel about 7 years old. But I am dressed in adult clothing, with adult responsibilities, trying to pretend to be an adult like everyone else. The reality is - I am pretending. I am faking the funk. If the real adults around me just took off the layers of clothes and degrees and responsibilities and expectations, they would see a chubby, shaky 7 year old that is still afraid of the dark. I am trying to hold it all together. I am trying to play the adult game to win, but I don't always feel like much of a winner.

When I actually was 7 and I messed up, people forgave me. I was given second chances. People cheered me on for putting my best foot forward. Even if I did the unspeakable- like standing in front of the whole church and singing off-key, or forgetting how to spell "important" in the class spelling bee, or losing my temper and hitting my brother- people forgave me. They would clap for me when I lead the youth choir, Mrs. Ginyard (though the meanest teacher I ever had) would just tell me to try again when I misspelled my vocabulary words, and sometimes Michael wouldn't even hit me back if I started a fight with him.

This is not the way the adult game works. If I mess up and can't pay my car note they repo my car, even if I cry and beg and plead for BB&T to forgive me for messing up. If I do the math wrong when estimating the money in my bank account, even if it is by 1 dollar, they charge me 30 whole dollars in fees to forgive the mistake. If I walk out of my door right now and pick a fight with my brother, the police would not care about sibling rivalry. They will take me to jail (period), no questions asked.

So as I stand 12 days away from launching the nonprofit that started as an idea in my head two years ago, I feel like a 7 year old responsible for things that are way beyond my capabilities.

(INSERT HIGHER-SELF VOICE HERE...)

At all times I am the child I once was, the adult I am growing into, and the woman I will be. Right now, I am the ME of yesterday, today and tomorrow. Yes I am the chubby shaky 7 year old, but now i have an additional 19 years of living that the 7 year old did not. I have lived through and conquered things that 7 year old me could never have dreamed. And in 19 years, my 45 year old self will have lived through and conquered things that 26 year old me could have never dreamed.

Right now, as I feel scared and overwhelmed by my vision. I will call on the innocence of my 7 year old self. I will hold her and protect her in the ways I have learned over the years. And I will allow my 26 year old self to be held and protected by the woman I will be. I will allow this chain of knowledge and protection to continue into the infinite that is life, knowing that right now I am protected by the force protecting us all.

Right now, I will be ME (and I am a pretty awesome 26 year old).