September or Wreck-tember!

Just when you thought it couldn't been done...just when you thought it couldn't happen again...it did! I was driving home yesterday from the grocery store when someone pulled out and rammed into the right side of my car. Yes, I know this is the car that just came back from the service center a week ago. No the car is not drivable. Yes, he did have insurance. Yes, it was his fault. Yes, I could pull my hair out a run through the streets butt naked screaming bloody murder! I mean this is just ridiculous. Since I got my first car in 2002 I have been involved in 6 accidents (not all my fault), I have totaled 2 cars, and I have spent thousands of dollars on rental cars, deductibles, etc. I mean, a flood?!? How the hell did I total my last car in a flood?!? Then last night's accident was just crazy. I was just driving down the street minding my own business! There is a lesson in all of this. I am moving to NYC where I wouldn't need a car. Fuck it all!

Today

So today, I kinda glimpsed my future and got scared. I free falling right now and I have to start flapping my wings or be prepared to really hit the ground. I hope that I can pull out of this without having to lose my mind. I guess step 1 is to get the free internet hooked up in my house so that I can start looking for a new job, cuz I am about to lose/quit the one I have. Sucks! Keep me in your prayers folks!

On a lighter note- I've got music on my page now, and that makes me happy. The song playing now is the one I mentioned in the last post, M.I.A. (URAQT). It reminds me of fabulous boyz killin' it at Traxx. The lyrics are not my favorite but overall the song is hot. (It might take a second to work cuz it is coming from like 3 places.)

Yiippee!

I went to court for my accident yesterday. I was stressin cuz it would be additional points on my license, the judge could use her discretion to suspend my license based on my accident history, and the fine would be an additional charge to my already severely strained budget. Well, the lady I was in the accident with did not have her license on her the day of the accident so she was ticketed. She brought her license to the court and they dismissed her ticket. Then they called me up and asked her if she wanted to pursue any charges against me. She said no. So they dismissed my ticket as well! No fine, no paperwork, no points on my license, nothing! Yippee!!!!! Talk about happy! I went into the courtroom hoping to get my charge reduced so no points would be on my license, but expecting to still have to pay a fine. Wow! I was really happy. I am really happy! This is like the best news I have gotten in a long time. It felt really good and really liberating. Want to know the craziest part? When we were walking out of the courtroom, the girl I was in the accident with told me she lives in my apartment complex. What? I was shocked! It is not that big of a complex and I mostly only see gay white men. She is a natty Black girl. Our accident was in L5P. Both of us looked more L5P that midtown/buckhead. Freaky, huh...

AND...

Thugged Out Tuesday is back and in full effect at Atlanta Live. I went with poo, Keisha, Mimie, and like half of GSU. It was great. The venue is open and beautiful. The crowd was like 60/40 boys/girls-bois. The DJ was ok, but it was still cool. On the way over we listened to MIA. She has a song over a classic Traxx track (the sanford and son " you big dummy" mix). To say I like her is an understatement. I think I want to have her babies!!! She's from London by way of Sri Lanka. She's wonderlous! I am going to get the song just so I can put it on my blog (right after I figure out how).

OK, cramps are easing up so I guess I should get some work done.

(still tryin to stretch my adult wings)...

Letting GOOOOOOOoooo...

"Let Go and Let God, girl."

I can hear "them" now. Them being the Christians I grew up with and try to distance myself from. With maturity and fabulous discussions with friends, I am learning how much I am like those Christians and how much (in some ways, not many) I want to be like those Christians. The idea of faith, the belief of "letting go" and trusting, has been more than my adult mind has wanted to deal with.

So I ran. I ran from faith, from the Christians of my childhood, from my own spirituality, from the chaos of my life, from it all. I ran while looking back at my fears, thinking I would feel better as long as I could keep an eye on everything that was chasing me. This strategy worked out great as long as I kept moving. Then, the monster I created in my mind to represent my own spirituality let me know that by always looking back when running forward, I was showing huge amounts of faith that future steps would always be moving me toward safety. Damn monster! I fell forward in that instant. I tumbled and rolled, dust flying in my eyes, rocks scrapping my skin and ripping my clothes, overwhelming pain coming from every part of my body. When I did glimpse in front of me, I realized I was heading to a cliff. I tried to stop myself from tumbling. I grabbed around me for trees or limbs or something to slow me down. I found nothing. And just as I felt half my body plunge in the air, I grabbed the edge of the cliff. I looked up and saw no childhood Christians, no totaled Mazdas, no spirituality monsters, nothing. It was just me. Great! I guess this is where faith comes in. Here I am hanging on for dear life, and I am supposed to just trust that I will be safe. I am shook! Not only do I now have to let go, I have to fall for an indefinite amount of time fall before I am rescued by this faith stuff; if I am rescued at all.

Then I think- what if I am struggling with all my might to hold on to this cliff, fearing death and life and this moment and the next moment and all that is around me and all that is me, and I am only a foot off the ground. What if I have just allowed my fear to make me feel like I am going to fall into the Grand Canyon when I am really just an inch from safety. In my heart I don't think this is necessarily the case. I think it can be true if I want it to be. I don't. See I have a secret. I've got wings. I was born with them attached to my shoulder blades like a little angel. When I was a baby I would fly around my room and fall asleep on my ceiling. Somewhere along the line, I decided that I wanted to hide these wings so I could be like everybody else. I didn't want to let people see me fly cuz it might make them sad that they can't fly too. So here I am, 25 years old, hanging off a cliff for dear life and realizing that now it is time to fly. It is time to stop struggling, stop pretending, stop dimming my light, stop fighting my truth- and fly. "Let go and Let God," I hear my grandmother's voice calling to me from above. OK. I am closing my eyes, I am swallowing hard, I am taking a deep breath in, I am letting go...

More Listening Fun!

With so much racism and classism in the world today, it's hard to believe that it is 2005. I have a hard time injesting the fact that people actually believe this sh*t. Listen to this idiot! Glenn Beck can kiss my a*s.

Racism and Sh*t!

I have been avoiding coverage of Hurricane Katrina, just as I have been avoiding conversations about my depression. Nde is always telling me that I am stronger than I think. I kinda know that, but it does not always feel true. Like right now. I have had an upset stomach all morning, I had small beef with boss lady over some bullsh*t, and I am really pissed about the news coverage of Katrina and the racist government's lack of response. Sooooo, I was just about to give some money ($10 is all i can afford) to Dillard University and I panicked. I felt like that wind was about to catch me and throw my black ass to the now severely damaged school that once offered me a presidential scholarship. Or put my black ass in a dome sitting in my own waste, next to another brown face, and tell me that I am underprivileged and used to living like this. I panic cuz I am in such a dark place, but I am comfortable in a job that I hate, but I still get my bills (even the unexpected $1,000 deductible) paid. I panic cuz I am not used to living in hell, and no one in America should be. I panic because I am hurting so deep in my core, and I don't know how to make it stop.

Nde's kids compared the super dome to the middle passage. Africans on slave ships being held against their will, away from home and family and everything they knew was true, sitting in their own shit, watching babies and elders dying all around them while the future slave masters make comments about them being used to these conditions cuz these aren't people, they are subhuman, they are savages. SHIT! It only takes a few moments to put Black folks this same position. The only difference is that the dome did not have physical chains. They just had armed guards at check points pointing guns at any one who dared to try to walk to better conditions. But you know, black people are underprivileged and used to these conditions, isn't that right Barbara Bush. Listen to her, she sounds all happy and light and shit. Did she giggle? What the fuck is the world coming to?!?!

URRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGG!

Money Affirmation

Today will be a easy money day. I will end this day with more money available to me than when the day started. I will not want for anything today. Financial decisions will be easy and fun. Today will be an easy money day.

Silence?

My uncle died.

We had his funeral last Thursday. Why have I been silent about it? I have kinda just kept moving like nothing happened. I was slightly overwhelmed with the car accident, black pride, a few moments of codependence, being overworked, avoiding news coverage of Katrina and an endless pursuit of a glimmer of happiness in these dark times. Over the brim of my new favorite hat, I can almost see the reality in which I want to live. But I choose to look down. I am avoiding his eyes staring back at me from memorial pictures of what was. I am avoiding death. Not only because I fear my own mortality, but also because I feel so fragile right now. I feel as thin as paper and I am afraid that if I lift my head and live in the reality that is right in front of my face, I will crumble and cease to exist.

Then sometimes the phone rings, and the universe kinda shakes me up a bit. At those times, I end up looking around a bit more than I plan to, thinking a bit more than I want, and moving just a bit further than I thought I was ready to.

I guess I will start talking more before it takes an earthquake to force me to be present.