I ain't no holla back gurrrrl

This shit is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s!

I can't believe so many people in the black lesbian community like this song. I handled the music at a really intense party this weekend and that was the song of the night. I was shocked. It was an intense event. There was mad tension in the air, but no one was releasing it. So, random shit started to happen: a girls shirt caught on fire, the owners of the house had to break down their bedroom door b/c someone locked it, there was a big car accident, and the police came twice. It was the craziest party we have had. The energy was insane. It was also the smallest party we have had. That did not help the folks who felt uncomfortable feel any better. The weird thing is I had a pretty good time.

Inspiration

http://www.youarethelightmovie.com/thelight/TheLight.html

Good Sunday Mornin' To Ya!

Last night I had an all night film festival all by myself. I watched 8 episodes of Queer As Folk in my dark bedroom cuddled next to my pillow. I went to bed when the sun came up and woke up at about 2PM. When I awoke, I felt something supernatural goin' on in my room, and I was not afraid. I said to the universe that if I needed to see something, I was peaceful enough at that moment for it to be revealed. When I opened my eyes, there was nothing there (much to my relief). I feel like I should have kept my eyes closed and meditated on the peaceful feeling that was filling my room when I awoke. Ah well, I am taking baby steps until I find myself running into a new realm of consciousness.

After waking up I took a shower, put on one of my favorite shirts, and took myself to Ria's for brunch. It rocked as usual. Then I looked at apartments for a while. I saw a 2bdrm/2 bath loft that made me happy. I also peeked at a 1bdrm/1bath that would be good for me if I decide to spend the next year again living alone. Now I am at work enjoying the silence of my office, and pondering what to do next. All in all, this day has been fun. I miss my poo face girl, but I recognize the importance of spending a weekend away from each other.
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Sunday Morning

Light hits my window and I am waiting/ I stand naked with wanting flesh waiting to catch it/ my all night love sessions with Moon-woman leave me ripe and open/ worlds pouring from my flesh/ nations rising from my womb/ I stand naked but not vulnerable/ I await my fight/ under the bright beams of Sun I will war against evil until I find my divinity/ I will bleed until I lay sunken and pale on the battlefield my children will build/ I will die and be reborn anew, watching generations lay down and rise between my toes/ I will live as a might oak, a butterfly, a single drop of water, a single beam of light, a warrior woman-big bellied and brown skinned/ I will live in the bright sun until I shine golden and brilliant/ until I rise into the sky, becoming one with time and space and life and love and all that is and was and will be.../ Light hits my window and I am waiting/ in peace/ not afraid
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(whoa, maybe I am a poet after all.)

AND...

I blew up a bottle today. I filled it with dry ice, added boiling hot water, capped it and ran. It exploded with such force that I could only find pieces of plastic when the big bang went down. I did this after having a really hard day. I lost my credit card. I hasten to say someone stole it, but I would not be surprised. I have been weeping all day since I discovered the missing card. Tears have be welling in my eyes in my car, at the gas station, at lunch, on the phone, everywhere. I have cried when I could, slept when I had a few seconds, and then I decided that I needed to see an explosion. I needed to blow something up to regain control. (Someone once told me to cry all the time was to be out of control.) What do you think happened? The first bottle blew up in my face. Literally, it blew up in my face. I was bending down to see if there was enough gas in the bottle to produce an explosion, I guessed no. I was wrong. The moral of the story... I dunno. But I am going home right now to lock myself away from the outside world and forgive myself for crying.

Growin' Up/Losin' Love

I lost love last night
Lost life
and lost part of self

I gained wisdom last night
Gained vision
and saw my own truth

I was held last night
Held tight
and rocked to sleep

I met God last night
Met divinity
and I did not run

I met my mortality last night
Met reality
and I did not cry

I am more now than I ever thought I could be
I am further now than I ever wished to be
I took the rock from my heart and found it hollow
I am no longer afraid to see my divinity
I am no longer afraid to see your mortality
My truth is more solid than your fear of my duality
Twins unite to to show my light and it is pure

and not afraid


I am light that is not afraid to shine golden like the sun
I am light that is not afraid to heal, scabbed and ugly, to again become whole
I am light that is not afraid to be brilliant, commanding more and more and more, until mortality and I are no longer one...until I am divine

I lost Love last night
lost you
and I did not run
and I did not cry
and I did not bow
and I did not turn away
and I was held in the castle of love, until I found my own divinity, my own light...

... and I was not afraid.

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I do not weep for the loss, I do not weep for the pain, I weep because I can cry when I am safe, and there is so much to cry for. My castle of love was built on the other side of the universe. I did leave home to live there. I am safe there. I weep there for love that lives in a locked room, but will not see the sun, and I may go forgotten. I weep there for friendship past my own ego. I weep there because I can cry when I am safe.

Being Present

Today my girlfriend read me an awesome quote. It basically said that magic and miracles only happen in the present. They do not happen in the past or in the future. To receive magic and miracles, you must live in the present.

I think am present in my relationships with others, but I am not completely present in own my life. I am too afraid I might see things that are beyond the visible spectrum (i.e. ghosts, spirits, auras, really evil stuff, really magical stuff, etc.). I am scared to trust that if I did see these things, I would be safe. But I want miracles and magic. I am seeking the spectacular, though part of me is kicking and screaming and clawing my way back to the reality everyone else calls life.

Running from your present is like trying to escape your image in a house of mirrors; everywhere you go there you are. At some point you will just have to accept the reality staring you right in the face. I have accepted this truth with my past, and my future. I am scared to accept it with my present.

Right Now

I like magic
Like twinkling stars in my lovers eyes
that flash love
and fear
and happiness
and sadness
and more love
all at the same time

I like magical moments
Like candlelight on her shoulder
and her brown kissing my black
like the urgency of our love
like the moment when our forever...

...becomes peaceful

and our present is just that
and nothing even matters
but our magic

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I wrote this on May 11. I have been searching for magic recently. Being that I am a left-brained scientist, this is a scary search. Finding magic would be finding something I could not prove, something I could not stand on as a concrete fact, something I had to trust. I fear that trust. I fear faith; I don't want to believe in what does not already exist in my visible realm. However, I know I have to trust. I have to push past my fear to seek magic. Pushing past this fear will allow me to live in the light that I have been running from. Somewhere in me is a bold, vibrant little girl, who talks to ghosts, giggles with her ancestors, and dances naked with the stars at night. She is not afraid, because she trusts that she is constantly surrounded with light and warmth and protection. I will be her again. Life is a cipher...

Love Cipher

I fell in love with myself.
I was 3 years old
bold, loud, and always right
loved by all, called cute and smart
chubby, sweet, my granny's girl.
I was happy.

I saw bright beautiful light
in the eyes of my family
When darkness crept
I would stretch the light
until it covered all of me
I was safe.

I knew what love was
I could see it everywhere
bright colors jumping
in kisses and hugs,
and laughs, and smiles
I was magical.

Now, I am running.
I run from loving myself.
I run from the bright colors of love.
I even run from the light in which I once lived...


Now and Forever,
I am love
I am happiness
I am magic
I am light

Just as life is a cipher,
I will fall in love with myself again, and again, and again.