How do I make every morning "Sunday Morning"?

Sunday Morning

Light hits my window and I am waiting/ I stand naked with wanting flesh waiting to catch it/ my all night love sessions with Moon-woman leave me ripe and open/ worlds pouring from my flesh/ nations rising from my womb/ I stand naked but not vulnerable/ I await my fight/ under the bright beams of Sun I will war against evil until I find my divinity/ I will bleed until I lay sunken and pale on the battlefield my children will build/ I will die and be reborn anew, watching generations lay down and rise between my toes/ I will live as a might oak, a butterfly, a single drop of water, a single beam of light, a warrior woman-big bellied and brown skinned/ I will live in the bright sun until I shine golden and brilliant/ until I rise into the sky, becoming one with time and space and life and love and all that is and was and will be.../ Light hits my window and I am waiting/ in peace/ not afraid

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I wrote this on an interesting day in my life. I felt in touch with my spirit as a part of the greater spirit that is in all of us. I felt like a mother. I felt divinity moving inside of me. I felt something greater than myself moving around me, linking me to all that "is and was and will be." It was the first day of period, and the first day I was not afraid to be divine.

Today, I feel dry and swollen. I feel rough and sick. I am bloated with the shit that I have fed on for the past few years of self-destruction. I feel overwhelmed with the idea of flushing myself out. I realize that I want to get back to the place I was the day that poem was written. I want to live in the space I was in that day that poem was written. I do not think I can live there as long as I am swollen with the same old shit. So I must cleanse. Moving is a big step, but it is definitely not the biggest. What is truly the next step? Do I push for spiritual cleansing through fasting, prayer, and meditation? Do I push away the physical representations of my old shit: furniture, clothes, people, etc.? Do I just chill for a minute while I move my residence and then decide the next step? Do I do all of it? I guess the answer will come to me.

Movin' On Up!

I am so crunk about moving out of the rat/insect/stale energy palace that was once my place of residence. That house is full of a whole lotta stank-ness, a whole lotta nasty-ness, a whole lotta drama, a whole lot of a whole lot! I haven't begun to pack or clean, but I almost want to just leave everything there and sleep on the floor of my new place until I can afford new furniture. I am not bringing most of my furniture into the new house. I only want my bed and maybe my couch. I need a fresh, new start. I am ready for intentional living. I am ready to create the life I want to live and LIVE IT! I want my space to be the hot shit! I want everybody to be comfortable in my space. I feel like I deserve a comfortable space that I can make my own. I don't want continue to live on used, reused, thrown away and then used again furniture. I am grateful for the gifts given to me from the universe when I didn't have anything: a couple of extra cheap tables found at a yard sale, a free couch found on the side of the road, a bedroom set swapped out for my old set, a desk handed down from my office, a love seat from my mom, and even a rug, a set of blinds, and a microwave from a friend at my old job. I was very blessed to be given so much stuff. I just feel that bringing this hodgepodge of stuff into my house has left me feeling as old and as stale as the furniture. This sucks because I have put so much energy into growth that I have started to feel stagnant in my old house. I am ready to have a place to call home that is conducive to my continued growth.

I am so happy for the opportunity to take this next step. I look forward to being able to stretch out my legs in a safe, new home. I look forward beginning to live in my 25th year in a space I create and make holy.

Gettin' Schooled

I am learning that it is really ok to not be perfect.

I am learning that it is really ok to be scared.

I am learning that it is really ok to need someone.

I am learning that it is really ok to not like someone.

I am learning that it is really ok to rest.

I am learning that it is really ok to seek help.

I am learning that it is really ok to feel.

I am learning that is really ok to not be logical.

I am learning that it is really ok to breakdown (or break-through).

I am learning that it is really ok to not be everyone's friend.

I am learning that is really ok to be unpopular.

I am learning that it is really ok to be loved.

I am learning that it is really ok to be unhealthy.

I am learning that it is really ok to grow.


I am learning a whole whole lot right now, just from being vigilant. When I listen to what the universe tells me, when I am open to what the universe shows me, when I stop running from being still, I learn.

Sometimes I am so scared that I feel paralyzed. The weird thing is that I have really only recently allowed myself to be fully present in that fear. In the past, I have been so committed to overcoming the fear, that I run straight past it without even looking to see what I was scared of in the first place. Recently, I have sat very still in silence right next to my deepest fears. And before I could run, before I could hide, before I could cover my eyes and cower in the corner, my poo face would be right there. She never tells me not to be afraid. She never takes my place next to my fears. She never covers me with her own light until I am safe. She just sits there with me, and talks me through it until I am looking my fears right in the eye. I have never experienced anything like this before. And the more I look at my fears, the more I learn about myself. The most incredible thing I have learned (and really digested) is that I already have everything I need to face my fears inside of me. I have the peace and the light to overcome any darkness that creeps into my room at night before I fall asleep. All I have to do is call to the light that is inside of me, and I know that I am protected. I am constantly surrounded by light and love and peace and generations of ancestors that watch over me 24-7! With this knowledge and the all the feelings this knowledge brings, I welcome this new day. I welcome this new week. I welcome this new life. I welcome my self to a higher level of consciousness.

I'm BAAAaaack!

Yesterday was my first full day back in the ATL. I spent the weekend in the mountains with my 'poo face' hiking to waterfalls, eating delicious food, meditating next to flowing water, and having difficult conversations about fear and compromise. It was an intense weekend, but I feel really good. I feel like I have gotten in touch with a part of myself that I often ignore because it forces me to be more vulnerable than I would like. I consciously fight everyday to not operate from a place of fear. However, I think I have been guilty of often ignoring my fears instead of working through them. Ignoring my fears about killer redneck klansmen, car crashing rocks, mauling grizzly bears, and psychotic mountain-dwelling axe murders, I went on my 'relaxing' trip into the North Georgia Mountains. I did not discuss these fears until Nde and I were alone in the Bed & Breakfast, and I started to have a panic attack. She helped me to use my imagination to pretend like all the things I need to make me feel safe were there, and it helped tremendously. Yet, it was not until the ride back that we really had difficult conversations about what my fears really are and I really had to face the facts.

I know that when I am scared, I attempt to fully control the situation. I write and rewrite directions, I ask and re-ask strangers for directions, I have to drive, I have to be in control. I need to know where I am going, how I am getting there, and I need to control all variables that would get me there. I become cold, withdrawn, and get tunnel vision. The problem is that I can never control everything, and by trying to, I am not facing my fears just pacifying them temporarily. I am coping, and I can't decide if I would prefer to stay in my safe zone forever, cope forever, or fight through my fears. Each option seems equally big and scary.

Gettin' Shit Done

I am sitting at my desk with a ton of responsibilities, but no motivation. I wanted to find a job that allowed me to determine the best way to get stuff done, and now that I have it, I feel a little overwhelmed. I know that I will pull everything together in the next few days, but I wish I was more motivated right now. I recognize this feeling. I am sabotaging my job right now. I recognize that I will have to put myself out on a limb to get things done, and instead of living up to my full potential, I am sabotaging everything so I do not have to risk failing once I have given my all. Now what? How do I move past this truth? I do not have time to take baby-steps, cuz I have a deadline next Tuesday. Normally, I would just ignore my issues until it is the day of the deadline. Then I would throw something together that ends up being a good report, and gets me a small amount of praise. What if this time, I actually worked on my stuff ahead of time? What if I actually committed to being successful in this project, and put my all into it? What if I stepped out on that limb, with the faith that even if I fell, I would still be ok? What if I decided that I love myself too much to always sabotage work that would indicate my real potential? Fuck what ifs! Fuck them! I am going to do this project. I am going to get this shit done because I always go into my head when I am challenged, and I am tired of it. I am going to move past "processing" shit, and just doing it!

I forgive myself for being afraid of my own greatness. I see my truth for all that it really is. I will move, knowing that I am always protected, loved, and that I am equipped with everything I need to be successful.

Aight, time to work!

~J

It's My Birthday

Years stretch behind me like the blink of an eye. Faster than the speed of light, I have moved from adolescent to adult. I have been so blessed for so long. I have love in my life that was unimaginable to me just a few years ago. I have a healthy relationship with my friends, and my family, and on some days even myself. I am well-fed and well-taken care of. I am constantly surrounded by light and love, and the patience of the universe in the midst of my timid process. I do not fear for my life when I walk from my car to my house, as the racist war my tax dollars are paying for is not being fought on American soil. I am relatively healthy, and I have full use of all my limbs. I rock.
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#1
I am running into a new year/The earth that birthed me does not yet call me to rest/So I will run/ I will run until I am new/Standing before my young-self/Handing blessings and gifts and lessons and love and pain and years of living to new-self/ Together we will sit in life circle around our moon-mother-lover-friend/ child-self, young-self, and new-self chanting messages of eternal love/ feeding directly from moon light until we are one/ we will rise to form a new light/ a new star beaming brightly in the evening sky/ "and in us all there is only light"
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#2
Warrior Woman
Big bellied and brown-skinned
I stand ready for my next life-stage
I am honoring my body and my spirit
Today a crossover, again
I recognize this rites of passage ceremony
I ask the ancestors to honor me with the rites of a succulent woman
To give their blessings on my new-self
I will humbly wait in prayer and meditation for their answer.
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When I was 16, I participated in a rites of passage group at my high school. I learned a lot in the two years I was involved in the group. I recognize the place I am at right now. I have been here before. I am facing metamorphosis. I have been growing and growing, sometimes painfully, for the past nine years. Now, I see the same threshold in front of me, and I wonder if I am ready to cross it. What is on the other side? Will I be safe? Will it be just as difficult? I know I must listen to the divine voice in me, which tells me that I have to cross it. That I am ready to move and get my wings. I can fly right now, all I have to do is cross this threshold. I need to pray and meditate. I will ask my ancestors for permission, and await their blessing. With light surrounding me, and love supporting me, I will cross into new-life.