HELP ME!!!

I was in a car accident yesterday evening. My brand new, 2005 car is completely messed up. This being the car i just bought to replace the totaled 2004 car I got last year. The accident was my fault. I am nervous about the insurance and stuff. There is nothing left to say...

Good Weekend

As I sit at my desk eyeing the curriculum outline that covers my twenty-item to-do list, I am wishing it were still Saturday. I sat on my ass for most of this weekend. It was sooooo good. I did my hair, cooked for myself, I even worked out! On top of all the fabulous things I did with myself, I also spent some much needed quality time with Mie on Friday. We ate expensive cake at intermezzo and laughed under the stars. Friendship, when done properly, can be truly magical. I like magic.

In recent soul searching, I have discovered that one reason I have a hard time remaining present in my friendships is my ego. I have the need to be central in my friends' lives, in a way that is very Leo (though I don't think Leo is on my chart at all). Often, I will have one or two friends that are super duper close to me, while not fostering other relationships or associate-ships. I blame my ego cuz I don't like to compete for people's time or affection. I like to have my own special place in their life that is not in competition with anyone else. I want to begin working on this. I want to develop relationships outside of my ego with all the fabulous folks I have in my phone book. Well, maybe not all the folks in the phone book. Talk about dealing with my ego...

This weekend also provided me with the opportunity to hang out with my poo and her 14-year-old sister. We went for late night sushi on Saturday at RuSan's and to Ria's on Sunday for brunch. I am always nervous when I am around the little one cuz she is such a big part of Nde's life. I also don't want to do anything that might scar the child for life. Needless to say I am hella nervous whenever the young one says, "Tell Jocelyn to come." She's a cool kid though. Brilliant and intuitive like her big sis. I often wonder if we will ever get past the awkward, "you represent the fact that my sister is a big ole gay” phase.

Now I am sitting at Job #2 looking at a 4 bullet to do list thinking about next Saturday.

Who's That Girl?

This past week, I have done a whole lotta reminiscing about the girl I was and the woman I have grown into. Below is my high school prom picture. Sometimes I look at this photo, and I don't recognize the person looking back at me. Other times, I feel like I am the same person, like nothing has changed, like I am 17 all over again. I am having a hard time reconciling the growth I have made with what I consider to be my true self. Aren't we all just growing and processing and centering, just to come back to our true selves? Regardless of how superficial, artificial, and out of touch I consider my high school self, I have to realize that she and I are the same person. Whoa, that's a scary thought. I am stopping now...

Thank God for Sangria!

Evolving, Drinking, Gettin Back on the Good Foot...

I hung out with my bestest friend from high school last night. I was hella nervous cuz I knew she would ask who I was dating, and I knew I would have to respond with info on poo face, meaning I would have to tell her that I'm a big ole lesbian. We really hadn't seen each other since 1999 at her sister's funeral. Plus, her family knows Nde's family from back in the day on some Black political Atl shit. And to top it all off, Nde took dance at their family's dance studio way way way back in the day. Coming out to her would also involve outing poo face; needless to say I was not looking forward to that convo.

So there we were, my bestest friend from high school and I chillin at Twist. I ask her to give me the play by play of her life since 1999. She talks about boys and school and jobs, etc. I am freakin out cuz I was hoping she would mention being gay or hint that she knew I was gay or somethin! She did not. She is the most hetero girl on earth!!!! Grrrrrreat. Now it's my turn. I stuttered, blushed, covered my face with the napkin, whined a little (the baby in me was out full force), swallowed hard and asked if I could start my play by play from the present. She said, sure (looking at me as though all the theatrics were indications of me losing my mind). I sipped my yummy sangria, buying some time, and then I was ready. I said, "I am in a committed relationship right now"... (pause, sip sangria)..."we have been dating on and off for about a year and a half"... (pause, sip sangria)..."you know the person"... (pause, look at her face for any hint that she already knows what I am going to say)..."The person I am dating is...ummm...ummm...Ndelea!!!!"

She looked as if I had said the craziest shit she'd ever heard in her life! She chugged her margarita and screamed "WHAT!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!?” The waitress comes over; either alerted by the screams or the now empty glasses of alcohol in front of us. My bestest friend from high school orders another round of drinks and immediately starts gulping once her glass arrives. I was completely shocked! I found it hard to believe that in the past 5 or so years of me being out of the closet, no one had told her anything. We have lived in the same city, knowing the same people, going to the same places, and no one gossiped about my sexuality? No one hinted that I had gotten turned out at ole Aggie? No one at all? Wow! From the screams of disbelief that continued for at least another 10 minutes and the complete shock on her face, I could tell she really did not know I was a lesbian. Oh shit! I began to prepare myself for a fundamentalist Christian, throw holy water on my head, talk in tongues, revival/megafest/ hell and damnation type deal to begin at minute... but it didn't. She yelled out, "Oh my God, you are my first lesbian friend!" I almost cried. "I'm still your friend?” I said, only half-asking. "Of course! How shallow do you think I am?!" Then she grabbed me and gave me the biggest hug in the whole word.

We finished our drinks with a lively discussion of lesbian sex, porno, my relationship history, and lots, lots more. I went home feeling really good about my generation. There are at least 20 people who knew about my sexuality, and did not gossip to her. I mean, I can think of 5 who had regular opportunities to tell my bestest friend from high school that I was a homo, but they didn't. And she comes from one of those middle class Black Atl families that everybody knows, everybody respects, everybody expects to be hella snobby. You know, the Jack and Jill type. When we stopped talking years ago, I just knew I had lost her forever. I didn't think she would be friends with a gay girl like me. Now, I feel like our friendship might last a lifetime. That makes me really happy.