Darkness

Still scared, I want to move.

In my young adulthood (the past 2 years), I found a new self-confidence that I had never known in my life. It was a quiet confidence that would ease out of the deepest parts of me at an even steady flow. I didn't have to hype myself up, or be praised by someone else. It was just apart of the woman I started to grow into. I don't feel that steady flow anymore. These days my confidence is more like staccato than a fluid melody. There are huge crescendos that drop off to very low soft baritones. I recognize that self-doubt is the key to self-growth. If I never doubted my ideals, my way of living, my place in the world, then I would never have gotten to where I am today.

But I don't think my current inhabitance is so low and deep because of a little healthy self-doubt. I fear that I am depressed. My last battle with depression ended with me light-years ahead of the girl who fell into the darkness. I fear that the hole will be much deeper this time, which may result in more light-years of growth. I am just so scared of the darkness. I just finished "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince." In the midst of a very dark moment in the book, Angus Dumbledore turned to a very apprehensive Harry and said "It is the unknown we fear in death and darkness, and nothing more." I am most afraid of the darkness because I don't know where it will take me. What if I can not come out? What if I forget that constant, peaceful knowledge I carried around with me when self-confidence was as natural to me as breathing? What if this time, I don't make it?

Scared

I am nervous about putting myself out there right now. I feel examined, scrutinized, picked- apart and raw. So, in an effort to process and heal, I have hidden all posts on my blog. Hopefully, this moment will pass and I will be able to continue to use this blog as a space for growth and renewal. But with all the shit that is going on right now, I am having a hard time moving with this very sacred part of myself so open to the world.

Love.

I am a sad girl

My beloved Mazda 3, known to many as "Jupiter," passed away Wednesday night. She was declared totaled today by my insurance adjuster. She will be remembered as a cutie with a hot booty. I could never replace her dependable zoom, zoom, zoom or her awesome sound system. I recognize that she is just another "thing" and material things will pass into and out of my life from now until I stop breathing. However, Jupiter will always have a special place in my heart. I will have a ceremony at my new house Tuesday evening, which is the same day that Jupiter will be taken to the salvage yard.

Please pray for me at this difficult time, cuz this shit sucks!

Death to the Narcissist!
Also, I am having a hard time with the loss of lives around the world. I am trying to allow myself space to be hurt about my car, but my mind always travels to London, Iraq and the AIDS crisis devastating us all and especially Africa. I know that the only way to move in my own life is to experience my emotions fully and to feel justified in doing so. The hard part is reconciling my consumption with my own shit with my desire to save the world. How to I move out of my own head and my own experience into a place that focuses energy on healing the world? Or is living my life fully the only hope I have at healing the world in the first place?

WHAT THE HELL!!!!!

OK. It flooded in Atl Wednesday night. I turned onto a dark street and within 30 seconds, almost half my car was under water. I waited no more than 8 to 10 minutes for my girlfriend to get to me and we pushed the car to higher ground. When I was out of the car, the water was just above my knees (I was really scared). OK. So we left the car for a few hours to dry out, because at this point it would not start. When we came back, the car still would not start. So we left the car over night, thinking it would start in the morning. It didn't. And, someone had broken the passenger's window and stolen stuff from my car. All of this is happening 2 days before I have to be out of my apartment. Great! Now, my insurance company is worried that the car may be totaled due to the water damage. I love my car. This sucks! I have nothing eloquent or deep to say. I am just pissed and sad and confused. The only thing that has kept me going is that I am loved by my friends (who dance and sing for me in front of red lobster) and that I have a poo face who is on my team 150% for emotional, spiritual, and financial support. I don't think I could make it through this time alone. It's just too damn hard.